For the past two years, the fleeting and highly subjective world of feelings was the purview of my life.
Defining Love & how people act within the confines of this state was a laborious, painstaking task. Let alone comprehend and make tangible to my eyes (and the eyes of my minions) the actions of many. To put simply, I was trying to do the impossible. The result of this overdrive (in trying to make tangible what is bleak) produces, however, is nothing short of magical. Whatever you read from this blog simply paints a picture of my personal reality, allowing you and outside world access into the deepest recessions of my mind. But what is reality? Isn’t all reality but one’s own form of fiction?
Due to recent events, I seem to have become increasingly interested in the role emotions play in our decision-making processes and in our self-image. At any given time, provided I am left alone, I catch myself wondering: What would it be like to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes? The shoes that makes another what they are. What if I had intimate knowledge as to what wove their essential character, their soul? From the first time I thought that thought, I had begun to observe people in a much brighter light.
What drives this curiosity further is fear. Which is exactly what I will be writing about today.
Let me create for you a situation. You’re in love with a man/woman who seems to have moved on. You want them back but you hesitate for fear of “losing face”. So, you pretend like you don’t care. You pretend and you lie to yourself that everything is alright. But are things really? This act of giving up and keeping one’s feelings to themselves is what aggravates me. We watch countless movies where the X goes after the Y after all that has happened, and we say “aww” (my aww sounds rather satirical though) but we always envision ourselves to be the latter. The one who is sought after.
Why whY WHY
One finds it hard to express his/her feelings for fear of rejection. That is what many say, but there is much more to this than its superficial counterpart. What does it mean to love too much, and why are we ashamed for being the one who is last to move on? Is is because X unconsciously harbours anger and pretends to move on only to provoke the same pain towards Y, and or possibly try to prove that Y is so insignificant to X that X moves on in what seems to be a short amount of time? I honestly do not know because 1) I have yet to do such a thing & do not intend to. These conclusions are merely based on observations. 2) I lack the vocabulary to fully coerce what my mind has formed out of these observations. Or I might just be having some word block -facepalms-. I think the current aspects of the society plays a part in this. Some of us want to impress our friends and somehow that alters the way we act and or behave. This, however, is what I find most repulsive of the humans who inhabit the wasteland known as Earth. I have been in such a position before, however, rather consciously, and I grew weary and decided that people should take me as I am, or go lick bulls’ balls.
The point is:
Everyone seems to have a philosophy that they themselves live by puritanically. It’s not one, I don’t think, that they intentionally desired to imbue me with; but nevertheless, it was a way of thought that rubbed off on me. Kind of like a mosquito bug infects an unsuspecting traveller with malaria. Yes, a dis-ease. They say next time, someday, or in this.given situation, in the next relationship. But why not now? If you love him/ her, go and run after them, buy them flowers or pokemons and whatnots.
I understand that only by having something does the threat of loss or destruction linger. But, so what if they reject you? What is there to lose because in fact, you will learn a few lessons, making you better for the next dude. In fact, you have tried and thoughts beginning with ‘what if ‘ will not plague your mind. In fucking fact, you are the bigger person who gathered his/her courage to be vulnerable; you were brave enough to expose a part of you that can be cut up and manipulated, a solid something susceptible to collapse.
Write that book. Kiss that loved one. Ask that person you’ve been stalking for five months out on a date. Tell (insert name here) that you love him/ her. Tell Bob that he’s an ass-bag. Buy those tickets for your gap year. Climb Mount Potato. Lick a “poisonous” toad. Try something different.
Someday is merely another way to say, “I like to comfort myself for my (self-perceived) shortcomings, and so, I contrive stories where the character I play will eventually fulfil all of my – ‘my’ meaning my very own – wildest dreams.” So do whatever that can be done, NOW. Don’t be afraid because it would mean that you are constantly hesitating. If you’re so afraid of falling, fall is all you’ll do, because you never gave your all to begin with.
I have traversed roads both near and afar, sailed across and above ravenous seas distending in both breadth and depth further than one could envision to become the person I am today. Often I have hesitated, and now I am full of regret. Take my word; Don’t hesitate anymore.
I hope that many won’t have to travel the paths I did to realise such things because it was tiresome and worst of all, lonesome. I also hope that whatever written on my blog helps you with navigating in this wasteland.
We are all on the same path, yet we each possess a different map.